One Year In - What I have learned...

Alex asked me last night what I have learned over the last year or where my mind was in regards to what I have read here in blog land.  I just thought I would share a few things that we discussed...

One of the benefits of this wonderful community is being able to read about how different everyone is, yet how similar in other areas we all are... We all want our relationships to be the best they can be  and to be successful.  Huge common ground right there!  Most of us are using some form of DD to help accomplish this success and happiness within our relationships.  For any of this to work, both people in the relationship must give of themselves either in leadership or submission.  Not everyone is a born submissive or a born leader and the rules/scenarios of how things are done changes within each relationship.

Everyone's glass slipper is a different fit..

Commitment:

Commitment is huge!!  Let's face it people, it's not easy being in any kind of relationship!  It takes work on both sides to communicate and participate for there to be a relationship.  Everyone is different which makes it all the more challenging because now you are participating with some one that may or may not agree with, think like or is even willing to give an inch on various topics in life.  When two people agree to participate in a relationship and all the aspects of a relationship you need both people to be 100% in it or it won't work.  You may have that one person that is willing to take up and give more if that other is not willing to give a full 100% but how long will that really last?  Will that relationship really be great enough for that one person giving now over 100% to stick it out?    

Worse what if they both start out at 100% on a "improvement" strategy like including a form of DD, but one of them get lazy or decides it just isn't worth the effort.  This DD aspect takes work, that is just the truth...  The leader is taking on responsibility of the entire family and their partner... That is just huge!!  The other person is giving a large part of themselves over to the other to lead and take care of and that is huge too!!  You both came together to find a common strategy but when that one person doesn't follow through (or maybe both), now you have two people unhappy and they feel it's time to take away what ever is bugging them. But that very thing was what was brought in to help their relationship in the first place.  

She totally wants that glass slipper back!!

I thank God daily that our relationship was pretty much founded on Alex being the leader and DD was just going to be part of our marriage.  We agreed and that was just it... Done... Over...  We have never once even thought of or spoken of removing it.  Have I asked him to be more relaxed.. YES!  Have I asked for rules to change or be removed... YES!  But never in our 18 years of marriage have we ever talked about it being removed... It is just part of our marriage.  We both struggle at times with our roles that we agreed to take, but we have both stayed the course and that to me is a big win.

Submission:

Submission is not easy for me, it is not one of my natural tendencies and that gets me into trouble.  But the amount of time over the years I have spent working on this has really helped me now in many ways.  Does it still come naturally to me?  Nope!  :0)  Honestly, it's a daily struggle but one that has gotten easier over time.  Do I still find times when finding my submission doesn't happen with out help?  ABSOLUTELY!!  I am human and will always fall short in some way and this will more than likely be one of them...  I just know myself after 38 years of life and know how stubborn I can be.  (We won't even get into my temper being a major factor either...Ugh)  Honestly, I am also a born leader and have a hard time switching gears to let Alex lead us...  I just have come to the conclusion that I love this man in such a huge way that I was and still am willing to put my trust in him and let him lead us.  It's a challenge, but one I am willing to deal with for the love of this man and my family. Just as I know that he has to love me over the moon and back to put up with some of my crap.  :0)

No more glass slippers here folks!!

Reading all the blogs out there and seeing how other women are struggling in their submission has been really helpful.  Not only have I taken inspiration from these women, but felt like I had company on the days that I read a post but could have written it myself as I had done that same dang thing and was just as unhappy.  The posts that were written in celebration over newly found submission or improvement in that area is just as inspiring and I cheer right along with them!!  I also then take time to ask myself where I might be in that particular submission and decide if I need to work on it as well.


Which brings us to leadership:

What I feel deep down is that without good leadership...without consistent leadership, it's really hard for any relationship to survive or be healthy.  Power struggles will only break away slowly at the foundation of the relationship and eventually do permanent damage.  So even on the days that I wish Alex would relax his stance on some areas or just look the other way when I don't keep my end of the deal... I am so VERY glad that he doesn't.  Heck, I am so very glad he took the leadership and is willing to be the strong one that will always push and do the hard stuff necessary to keep us on the right track... I sure as heck don't want that job!  :)

My King can have it!!

Lot of thought provocation from reading blogs and seeing how others are working on their marriages or just doing the day to day thing.  Which if I am honest, is exactly what Alex and I needed last year when we found these blogs.  Our marriage is to a point where we will be empty nesting it soon and our kids are to the age that we don't have them under foot 24/7.  We will be left to just love and live with and for each other and it has been a REALLY long time since we just had each other.  So finding these blogs and working on focusing more on "us" now will only help us when these kids go out and start their own adventures.  Life has its stages and we will change as we meet each stage, but having each other will see us through all the changes.

A year in from discovering this blog land and learning from all the wonderful people posting and sharing...

DD is a tool for some relationships... DD is part of the foundation of a relationship for others... In the end every relationship is as different as the people in them.  Alex and I are in it for the long haul and I wouldn't change our relationship or the form of DD we have decided to incorporate for anything.

And I feel like one VERY lucky lady to be in love and be so loved by my husband.