Lori: "Eventually we will have to talk turkey you know..."
Me: "That just sounds complicated, I don't have the energy to be talking turkey today."
Lori: "You know we could always throw this situation back to them to decide, they are the ones making this hard when it could be oh so simple."
Me: "I think we should change things up completely and put the men in the kitchen this year and we ladies take over the television!"
Lori: "No now they aren't watching television, they are watching the kids to make sure no harm or mess gets out of control while we cook."
Me: "Oh please, they aren't even in the same area of the house half the kids are in while we are cooking. You know we completely rely on your informant to keep us up to date on the kid activities."
Lori: "Well that could prove to be an issue this year since she has up and decided to play on the kid team and leave the parents to their own devices."
Me: "What? When did this happen?"
Lori: "Jay and I just noticed a few weeks ago that she hasn't been giving us her usual reports and so we have each taken a shot at getting an update... NOTHING! Fort Knox is that one now. Ugh. We knew it would happen, but we don't have a junior trainee this time around to take her spot. I guess by the time this little guy gets hatched it will be too long for him to become my new informant and all the action will be gone. We worry he won't get all the fun the other kids had growing up in such a large family, as he will be so many years behind them all."
Me: "Are you kidding, this little guy is going to be soooooo spoiled by all his much older and wiser siblings and cousins. This kid will be trying to get some privacy when it's all said and done and just think of all the little mothers he will have to endure with all the girls in the house. He won't get picked on by his much older brothers, so the kid totally dodge that and he will have the joys of having his own bedroom for a period of time. "
Lori: "True enough... I guess we just worry because we didn't see this little guy coming. "
Me: "So then hurry up and get the little guy out and go for another to keep him company!"
Lori: "Oh bite your tongue! This is definitely the LAST time that I am putting my body through this baby making process thank you very much. If Jay wants more he can carry and deliver himself, I am done. "
Me: " I don't blame you, having kids in my twenties was hard so watching you do this pushing forty is just really giving you major bravery points in my book girlfriend."
Lori: "Yeah, I don't even want to think about what shape this last adventure will leave my rear end. But I am more than sure Jay will have plenty of interaction with that end once this is over, so that can only help in whipping it into shape... Literally!"
Me:" Now Lori we talked about this, Jay is not keeping a running toll of your transgressions while you are on bed rest. He has been with you through six other pregnancies, so he is not surprised by anything you have said or done so just relax and forget about your conspiracy theory."
Lori: "I swear he is writing down things and will just be waiting for the time to bring out the list when I least expect it! I am not crazy he is writing stuff down all the time and it's in a book in the closet over there. If you want to prove me wrong go take a look for yourself!"
Me: "Are you inviting me to snoop in Jay's closet right now? I mean if I do and you can finally relax about him not keeping a running journal of your pregnancy crazy, that will be helping you mentally which will then help you emotionally right? So I am doing you a favor here which would out weigh any say maybe guilt about snooping into Jay's stuff right?"
Lori: "Um, yeah and sure that sounds about legit to me. So it's on the shelf to the right as soon as you walk in and the book looked brownish or dark reddish maybe...."
So it didn't take much more than Lori's yeah to hit my ears and I was on the move over to the closet and finding the light switch flipped it on. I made like a cop going into a criminal's home and put my back up to the wall and yelled that I was coming in, so no funny business from anything containing or made of cotton would be tolerated. That got Lori spitting tea around the room and I decided the clean up could wait until I found this mystery book Jay has been writing so made my way into the closet. The setup in their master bedroom gives them each their very own walk in closet, so they don't share closet space at all. That being said, Jay has got to be one of the most unorganized people I know!! I mean the man didn't even hang all this shirts together or pants they were intermingled!!! Who does this? So of course being who I am this sort of mess was hurting my brain and eyes so as I was looking for the mystery book I might have started to help sort some of the clothes to match their neighbors. It just all sort of got out of hand when I saw he didn't even have a break between his seasonal clothes, I mean the long sleeved shirts where totally mingling with shorts!!! What man hangs up shorts??? Jay obviously does and that is just a totally interesting conversation to have with him at some point I am sure.
Lori: "Don't touch anything or he will know and don't tell me you aren't touching things because I can hear movement and jangling. He doesn't even want me in there messing up his system, so I can just imagine what it looks like right about now. Can you hear me and what was that crash!?!"
Me: "Oh Lori, this is so wrong... I mean so VERY wrong! Who hangs up shorts for crying out loud? Oh my gosh is that Bart Simpson this is just so 80s! This is truly amazing what he has stashed back here, who would have thought he was a closet Twinkie eater!"
Lori: "He has Twinkies in there? Get me one.. No wait bring me two, the man wants to hold out on me he can lose two or three.. Yeah bring me three! I just knew he was holding out on me, I bet that secret book is covered in Twinkie filling from his sneaking food and writing all my transgressions down to torture me with them later."
I brought her out the box of Twinkies and went right back in for a better search, but of course I had started on the left side and worked my way to the back. I mean what fun would it have been to start on the side we thought the mystery book would be and miss all the other fun stuff waiting to be discovered. The man stashed Oreo's and Skittles in shoe boxes on the back wall and has enough gum to last at least two years if push came to shove. In a house that full of kids and a pregnant wife, I could't fault the guy too much for his stash but still made me laugh. I did find the book that Lori had seen him writing in, but that wasn't a wonderful find for me and put me in a REALLY bad spot. I opened the book and saw exactly what it was all about, he is most definitely keeping a journal of Lori's pregnancy but not to haunt her with but to be a present for her and the new little guy. So as I sat there and read the first few pages my stomach totally dropped and my mind started to race.. How am I going to get out of this one? I put the book back down and grabbed a pair of socks that were randomly laying on the shelf and decided to fold them while telling Lori that no such book was present in this fascinating closet. So I was in the door way of the closet folding the sockets and delivering my lie about zero books being in this messy closet when Jay walked into the bedroom and saw Lori stuffing Twinkies in her mouth and I was in his private walk in closet folding his sockets with all kinds of guilt in my eyes. That is when I decided they could deal with the situation without me and threw the socks at Jay and closed myself in the closet. Why oh why do they not put locks on closet doors these days? I think a master closet of all closets in a home would be considered important enough to have a lock right?
I was up against the closet door deciding my next move when I heard a thudding crash from the other side and Lori screeching that he was horrible to be hiding Twinkies from her and the baby. I may have threw up a cheer that she must have tossed the empty box his direction and that would be the source of the crash I just heard, which then got his attention back to the fact I was in his closet. So over to the closet he came and tried to open the door only to find me on the other side holding the knob and leaning back with all my body weight and muscles I could muster. So he didn't get the door open very far and it snapped right back at him with a very fun and satisfying thump. Too bad the men in this family are built so large, makes tangling with them very one sided some times. I only held strong for maybe two attempts and had to abandon the knob and pick up more socks to defend myself against the enemy now opening the door. I had three socks darting his way upon entry and almost made it around him and out the closet but he got lucky and had me up and over his shoulder and dumped on the end of the bed in seconds. Dang it all...
Jay: "Start talking!"
Me: "You do know that long sleeved shirts should never mingle with shorts, they should be hung up with like minded items or chaos will happen. Or better yet, no one and I do mean no one should really consider shorts as items to hang. I mean that space should really be for shirts and pants and the shorts can live on the shelf or a drawer, since they are smaller and better to fold."
Jay: "You messed with my system didn't you?"
Me: "Um... system, I saw no system! Perhaps we should start back at the definition you have for a system because that might explain a lot about what I found in there."
Jay: "You shouldn't have been in there to find anything that is my personal closet and not a play ground for you two women while I am not here. Don't you even start all your crazy talk about systems and cleaning either because the word is already out on you lady and you are a nut... There I said it, a certifiable cleaning nut that should never be let loose on unsuspecting normal people."
Me: "Oh yeah cause normal unsuspecting people always hide Twinkies, cookies and Skittles in their closet. Don't even get me started on your undies, that is just a disgrace!"
Jay: " You didn't touch my underwear.. If I so much as see one article of clothing out of place in that closet I am going to know exactly who to have a talk with and it won't be fun for you. "
Me: " Oh chill out, I didn't go near your underwear at all I was just kidding. I had just gotten to all the good sugar when you came in and caught us, it's not a major deal."
That is when my cell phone went off and my lovely son saved my day and told me he needed my help at home. So I made a big show of telling him I was on my way and ran for it as the running was good. I was at least half way home before I pulled the smooched Twinkie from my pocket and had fun munching it down. Oh the years of fun and entertainment alone that I will have with Jay over the state of his closet... It's those little things in life! :0)
Jay came down later last night and outed my little closet adventure to Alex, but he did it more to find out if I found the book than to make trouble. I told him that he was driving Lori nuts and that she thought he was writing down all her pregnancy crazy to haunt her after the baby is born and that is what led us to the closet adventure in the first place. So he is going to be more on the down low now that he knows she is on to him and I am going to distract Lori from catching on to him capturing her pregnancy for her in this cute little journal. He also made me promise to never set foot into his closet again, but that he maybe liked some of the re-arranging that I did for him so it was not a total loss. Alex wanted to know what I found in Jay's closet that made it such an adventure, so I told him if we kept to the traditional oven baked turkey instead of deep frying the world this year I would tell him. He agreed and I let him know that his brother still wears Bart Simpson underwear.... (Oh please, like I was not going to use that information for evil!)
Win/win situation all around if you ask me!
I called Lori this morning and we finally talked turkey and it's all worked out! :0)