I have had several emails from women wanting to know how this DD thing works and how they could go about introducing the subject to their partners/spouse in the last few weeks. So in an effort to help I thought to paste one of my responses and post it out. But before the comments start to barrel in, please note this is MY perspective and not the end all be all of what DD could our should look like for everyone. Whew, now that my disclaimer is in place.... :0)
Thanks so much for reaching out! :0) So I can give you my thoughts, but if I have learned anything over the last year or so reading blogs, it’s that every relationship is as different as the people in them. So what works for one couple may not work or make any sense to another. But I can give you my point of view to at least see if that helps at all.
So Alex and I differ from many of the couples in blog land in that we didn’t introduce the DD concept after many years of marriage, it was part of the foundation of our relationship from the start. We are very old fashion in this, as we both grew up as Christians and follow what God tells us is the intended roles of marriage in the bible. The man was meant to lead the family and is held accountable to God for his leadership, just as the woman is to submit to her husband in all things and provide care for her husband and children. Does the bible say that the man should spank his wife, nope it sure doesn’t but it is a very good tool in keeping the peace and reinforcing authority. Alex was given the advice from his grandfather who practiced DD within his marriage and they had a wonderful love that was plain to see by all. What are some of the advantages that we get from using DD:
- We don’t have the power struggle that some marriages have, as we both understand that Alex has the final say in all things…
- If we do have a disagreement we both know it will not last, as Alex will do what is needed to move us past it before it starts to hurt our relationship.
- Once we “discuss” something, it is DONE… No one harbors ill feelings or brings it back up months later. It makes things so much easier when both people have an outlet to remove bad thoughts or feelings that can add up and eventually start tearing away at a relationship.
- We both have a common set of values and are committed to our roles in the relationship. (Some people have such different up bringings and values it's hard to meet in the middle, so setting them for both people is often the best course or things could get messy.)
- Because I am willing to submit to Alex so intimately (physical and emotionally) we have such a connection or chemistry between the two of us it’s WONDERFUL! We constantly have friends that want to know why after 18 years of marriage does it look like we are still in the honeymoon period where it’s a struggle to keep our hands off each other. We love to be together and are constantly touching each other in some way, it’s just a connection that is truly amazing.
Also I think this is a huge benefit of DD too… Attention.
Let’s face it, we want our men to pay attention to us… This world is chalk full of things to keep people focused on anything and everything but their partners or family. But in a DD relationship the man must focus on his wife and family as he is charged with leading. The woman must pay attention to her husband to ensure she is following his lead and taking care of him and the children. They must keep focused on their partners and that takes time and energy that they will both give where other relationships will get lazy and miss things. Relationships take lots of time and energy from the people in them and today in our society and world of electronics and broken families it’s very easy to fail. So adding the attention needed for DD to work, helps both people in the relationship feel even more loved and connected by the mere fact that they are being given the attention they want and need from their partner.
If this is something you really want, keep the talking going… Keep letting him know how much you want this and how/where it would work from your point of view. I would even challenge you to start showing him how much you want this by showing him submission in places you wouldn’t have before. (Without him having to do or say anything!) If he likes that and wants to see more he can communicate and see you change and progress is made. It may take a bit of time, but once he is seeing how it works it may then build up into him trying to introduce more things such as rules and consequences.
Please give this concept time to take hold, change takes time and new concepts are not easy for everyone. Humans make mistakes, so you will need to be VERY patient and open minded about all parts of DD. Habits generally take 8 weeks to form, so even if you get to start straight away don't be disappointed if consistency doesn't happen right away... Don't be disappointed if it takes months down the road to even find the start of consistency. If you both meet in the middle and agree to do this together then you will only grow closer, but you have to commit to communicating WAY more than you ever have in your relationship before. :0)
One suggestion that I will highlight is that if you do get to the point of committing to try this dynamic, please set a trial time or decide it is a permanent fixture in the relationship. I have seen this happen in our family tree, where couples will start then stop and then start and then stop and it builds soooooo much frustration and mistrust in the relationships. Give it long enough to work out the bumps and survive the human aspect of it as we are all flawed and need some extra time to get it right some times. My point is that perhaps when you sit down and decide how DD will work for your relationship, set the recheck point for 6 months to a full year. Honestly, we just put it in place as part of our foundation and have never once talked about removing it. Permanent things just seem to work better in some people's minds better than temporary or trial periods, as they are seen as loop holes or easy outs. (That was actually what one of my sister-in-laws said she felt when they tried it for a few months and stopped. They put it back in place with the agreement it was permanent and have been doing DD very successfully now for several years.)
One last point from your email about introducing various implements to hurt their wives… So Alex has a paddle that he pulls out for times he feels very strongly about a subject, but he usually just uses his hand. The only time we use implements other than his hand is for intimacy purposes and it is not to beat me but provide that extra sting to build more passion/pleasure. Again, just what our relationship looks like as others may like pain as part of their dealings/activities. Most couples agree to the implements that could be used in a given situation or some women give their men complete control on picking them. Again, each couple is really different so the DD exchange will look different depending on what works for them.
I hope some of this helps! :0)