Thursday, November 21, 2013

I am struggling...

So last night I was commenting on a new friend's blog about types of spankings, you know the discipline .. You are in trouble spankings, which are NEVER fun... The I need help or am going to become just a really scary monster spankings, which or not fun but necessary.  Then we have the weekly let's check in with each other and reconnect spankings, which could be no fun or fun depending on how it all works out.  Maybe it is that not knowing how those are going to go that messes with me. But I commented that we are "Reconnect Challenged" on her blog and Alex was next to me and was reading over my shoulder.  He didn't say anything right away but about an hour later we were settling down in bed and he asked me why I felt we are reconnect challenged.  I of course giggled and said you don't?  To which he moved to turn the light back on and sat up and said he thought we did our reconnects perfectly.

So once my jaw was back up off the bed and I had the power of speech back..

"Alex all but one have been failures, the rest except for the one you ended up getting a complex about your toes have ended in punishment spankings."

"I don't have a toe complex, my toes are perfectly normal and have just the right amount of hair."

"Oh my gosh.. You googled pictures of men's toes didn't you? HA! Admit it, I know you did!!"

"I might have done a bit of research, but not because I had a complex but to prove to you that my toes are just fine."

Flash back about three weeks.....

We were at our old house getting the last bit of things boxed up in the basement (We couldn't stretch this move out anymore if we tried, it is seriously been going on for a month now!!) and our kids were over at the new house.  We always reconnect on Sunday evenings so we were together with no kids and it was Sunday evening so Alex called an end to the packing and pulled up a chair.  We had already been talking about the week and I already knew he was going to spank me, I was just a bit quick in my responses to him that week.  (Oh fine... Not quick... Grrrrr.. I was snarky and sliding close to disrespectful..)  But I balked a bit at him sitting in the chair... He is usually sitting on a bed or sofa when we are "discussing" things and this chair thing was not looking very comfy for me.  I mean the closest thing to him being in a chair was the time he dragged me into a family bathroom at the mall and he sat on the toilet... (He put the lid down and covered it with paper towels for all those that just got light headed from the amount of ewwwww that could be.)  But I was really mad and he was really not happy so I don't remember looking around or caring about how comfortable it wasn't going to be.  See, totally different mind set between punishment and reconnects!!!  

After his second patting of his lap and the "get your butt over here" look, I went close enough to be pulled the rest of the way over.  The problem with yoga paints being my all time favorite thing to wear, they are just too easy for him to maneuver down!  So down they go and I am inspecting our new carpet VERY CLOSELY mind you and trying to get situated.  Now at this angle I am either going to get to know the carpet pattern REALLY well or his feet, since they are right there.  We put new carpeting in a few months ago, so we had a no shoe policy.  My hubby loves his flip flops so he didn't have socks on and I usually only see his feet when we snuggle in bed and I am looking down at them.  Now I am up close and personal with a side view and I am thinking... Wow, this man has REALLY hairy toes.  I have one of those personalities where I sort of blurt things out without filtering them all the time.. Ugh. So in actuality I blurted it out instead of thinking it... Sigh. Alex had just gotten me where he wanted me and was now resting a hand on my bare bottom when this announcement was made.  

"What? My toes are not hairy!"

"Oh I beg to differ, I have a really good side view at the moment and I am telling you them are some hairy toes you got there." 

So I see his foot go up and he is moving his foot from side to side and I start to laugh.. 

"Oh wow, it just gets worse as you move it around from this angle, you need to shave them QUICK!"

"You are losing your mind, they are not that hairy..." 


"Owe.. giggle..snort"

"Take it back...Take back the hairy toes comment."

I am trying to breath but it is super hard at this point and he starts tickling me, so any coherent response at this point was just not going to come out.  He ended up picking me up like a bag of potatoes and we had really good bunny sex on the pool table. 

Now back to our discussion last night.....

"Well bring on the research and let's see!"

"No, we are not talking toes right now we are talking about why you feel we are reconnect challenged."

"I just told you we only had one attempt work."

"I see it as each one was what we needed as a reconnect at that time, so I see each one so far as being successful. So this concerns me that you are seeing them differently and I want us to take a few minutes to talk about why you feel they are not working."

"Well I guess it is the thought of not knowing how each reconnect is going to go.. I mean punishment spankings are just that...The I need help spankings pretty much mimic the punishment only I feel different because I know you aren't upset with me, so it is more physical I guess then mental.. The mental release comes after..."

<insert dramatic sigh and humph back into the pillows>

"I know you like planning things, knowing how things will run.. So this is where I think our point of views are differing.  You want to know going into our reconnects if you will be punished, given a few reminder/reconnect swats or we skip the spanking and end up making love. Which honey, I can tell you now that isn't going to happen.  We need to let these reconnects play out in the situation we find ourselves in during that day and time.  You need to relax and trust me to read the situation right and let me decide.  You trust me during the other two types of spankings.  You have even trusted me in our new fun spankings... Can you trust me in these re-connection moments is the question."

I was speechless.. Was I really not trusting him? How in the world could I be so blind... Or was it the personality of needing to know the absolute of how things were going to go that had me questioning things and in return making him think I wasn't trusting him.  I started to cry.. The worst feeling in the world is thinking I have put that look on his face and make him feel like he lost my trust some how.  He is my rock, I trust him completely... I said WE are reconnect challenged.. When it was really ME!  What the heck is my problem????

He held me and we eventually fell asleep.. But I have been seriously off all day today and I can't wait to be home tonight and in his arms... I still don't have answers, but I am determined to take each reconnect as it comes!


  1. I am amazed at how 2 people can be in the same scenario, but come out of the situation with 2 completely different view points. We do all the time. Whether it's an intimate issue or a Dr appointment.

    I love the way he can communicate with you though. Asking you questions to get to the bottom of the disconnect, instead of assuming he knows and can if the problem. I have no advice really, but to just suggest maybe you can discuss each reconnect session to make sure you both are on the same page after... I struggle with good communication so hopefully your better than me. It took 3 years of reading before I could even utter the words to Hubby. :)

  2. So sorry that you are off! The feeling that you disappointed or hurt your husband has got to be the worst! If I even suspect I have I tear up! I think this has happened to many of us, in one way or another. It is easy to get wrapped up in your own viewpoint without realizing it because the only feelings that you can feel are your own, of course. I find myself asking my husband a lot more now, like probably to the point of annoying him, how he feels about a particular moment, act, conversation, etc. because his view very often differs from mine. I know you will sort it all out :)

  3. Oh dear did I laugh about your toe conversation haha

    I totally get what you're saying with the reconnect. I can deal with punishment and the maintenance ones, as I know what they're for, but with te reconnect I just get a mental block. It's like why am I getting spanked when I haven't done anything wrong and mostly not knowing how the spanking will be, whether if its more intense or not and if we will also reconnect in other ways. H says its needed to keep our mind set in our roles, and I get that, but I just sort of lose my focus in that as soon as I know it's going to happen :(

    Oh well we will carry in learning I suppose :)

    Hugs x

  4. Please don't be so hard on yourself, ( I know easier said than done). As you know we have been doing reconnection spankings since we started ttwd ( I know we are but a drop in the bucket time wise compared to you two). While I applaud Alex for talking you through all of this, it isn't always so simple as to trust and call it that. Our minds/hearts have a HUGE impact on how we deal with any given situation. Sure we are willing/wanting to submit fully and accept whatever they decide, the issue is how we prepare. Let's face it, it hurts! And when we climb on board we are expecting to feel their dominance. Yes expectation is a tricky thing. When they don't share that they have changed their mind mid spanking it is awfully confusing. Picture us on a playground merry go round ( um not the classy ones with horses and stuff, the ones that will make you vomit). All seems well and good until you get off. Your mind is spinning and you are disorientated.
    I don't think it is a matter of trust. You see a punishment you can wrap your head around. As you can a reset. An r/a session is different in that it is a reconnection so that alone is different to each person and in each situation as well. I personally think all it would take , at least for the next few times is for Alex to say during if he changed his mind about the severity, " we are going a different direction now". I am not saying tell you in advance, but I have been there where an r/a has become something different and I can tell you the confusion is really difficult. Your mind and body are preparing for one thing, ( another analogy--- like being pulled up to the peak in a roller coaster, and then it levels out instead dropping down- still has an effect just not the same) and he delivers another.

    Blah, blah, blah willie. I basically am talking about my personal experiences and this really may not be the case in your situations, but I felt I should share in case it was. Mostly, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOUSELF. Ttwd is about getting to know each other but also yourself!

  5. This is a great post. Reading it, I realized that I get somewhat anxious about our maintenance/reconnect spankings. Not because I'm dreading or fearing them, but because I'm not feeling secure in how he's going to handle it. I've shared with J that they need to be harder and longer, because they weren't really doing anything for me.....they had come to feel rather comforting. I think I'm worrying ahead of time whether it will happen the way I need it to.

    I agree with K that talking the next day about the spanking and both of your feelings about it is a good idea. I'm thinking of talking to J about that for us.

    The dialogue about Alex's toes made me laugh :)