Tuesday, January 14, 2014

FAMILY... Nuff said!

I am in the need to vent!!!  So you have been warned...

I have been blogging since September of last year and brought my husband along shortly after I began.  Yes, you caught it...  Shortly AFTER I began.  In the spring of last year I found this wonderful blog land and was literally sucked in.  I would spend hours reading as many blogs as I could and every new blog I stumbled upon was a true gift.  During this time I started having some major back issues and this impacted my ability to be as active as I usually am. I have had medical issues in the past due to internalizing stress and so kick boxing and running were my major outlets that allowed me to physically work out my stress and leave me a much happier person.  No longer able to do this I was advised by my doctor to find other not so physical outlets... He mentioned journaling and my eyes crossed.   But one night while losing myself in blog land I had a light bulb moment and thought.. I could try blogging as a journal outlet.  Two weeks later I was creating a blogger account and staring at a blank screen waiting for me to write something.

Right around that time while reading other blogs, the subject of hiding blogs from husbands was a major theme on several blogs.  Well I wasn't hiding mine, it was more a journal and who would actually read my journal, I am boring.  BLAH!  So on I went reading blogs and starting my journey with my own little blog.  It took me a few weeks before it actually occurred to me that now I was getting close to hiding my blog from Alex.  I think it was the guilt more than anything that had me opening up about blog land and this community on a weekend get away we had together.  We were having some bumps in our relationship at that time and looking back now I can see that not sharing this new adventure with him right away did have a part in creating some bumps.  He saw me pulling away and he initially thought it was due to the back issues and my being upset about having to adjust, but in time he knew it was more.  So he took us away for a long weekend and with a bit of pressure... Oh fine, he pulled out just about every HOH trick in the book and I spilled my guts.  Sigh.

Alex started reading blogs like crazy (I was shocked!) and now he has new HOH tricks every time I turn around.  Grrrrrrr.. I was happy he was as interested in this blogging community as I was and he loved my blogging.  At first I was super nervous about writing my thoughts, but then I got on a roll and it was super fun.  I got to write our story and share it with others and ultimately got to relive it all at the same time with Alex.  Really fun.

I decided to be brave and send a blog link to one of my sister in laws, not telling her what it was but that it might be interesting to her.  After she got over the shock of their being others that have the same dynamic that tends to run in our husbands family (plus wow it has a name!) she couldn't believe I was actually blogging our story.  She started moving around blog land and the community taking it all in and she too was super excited every time she found another blog.  She lived a few hours from me at that time and we would start our Saturdays on the phone together drinking coffee and chatting about our weeks, but now we were drinking coffee and discussing blogs and the current themes in the community.  After a few weeks I asked her if she thought blogging would be something she would like to do.... She was not sure and hmmmm and hahhhhed at me a bit.  So I stepped back and gave her more time.

Well she lives a few doors down from me now so we talk just a TON more than we got to in the past few years.  It has been GREAT!!!  But we are just now finding out what living so close to each might mean when we speak so much and not paying attention to the ears that are around when we are chatting away.  Sigh.  She ultimately wants to start her own blog, but her husband is dead set against it.  So I have been helping her come up with ideas for changing his mind, only we have not been very successful and maybe pushed a bit too hard.... Jay went to Alex and told him he felt double teamed.  Grrrrrr.  I never physically went and talked to Jay about this topic at all!  Did I listen and support my sister in law in her want to blog, absolutely.  I would do this for any friend not just a family member, this is what friendship is all about.  Right!?!  

I have now been told that I am not to scheme (his words, I don't agree) with Lori any further on this topic.  Further Alex said, Jay has his reasons and as HOH of their marriage he has put his foot down and that is that.  Well that is fine and dandy but Lori is not happy and she is still not settled and she needs support.  I can't ditch her and her emotions on a subject that is so clearly important to her.  Lori is not a pusher by nature, she is very relaxed actually.  She chills me out and I get her riled up, so we complement each other that way.  So I can tell how important this is to her if she is pushing this and not letting it go.... Plus I feel bad since I brought this to her and have talked about how much I am enjoying blogging and love the community and the ladies I have gotten to know.  You know how you can carry on and on about new and exciting things in your life... Well this was my new and exciting thing to blab about for the last several months.  Plus she and I have only told one other sister in law, about this community so it was fun we had an inside new thing to chat about.

Of course all of this would come to a head right after I have gotten into so much trouble lately... So not great timing.  I can stay out of trouble!!! Honestly I can...  But lately it just seems next to impossible.  Sigh...  

This brings us to last night... Jay was out front and I was taking a walk and so I stopped to say hi and chat for a few minutes.  He started it... I wasn't going to bring it up!  (See, being good!)  But he went from nice weather we are having to why can't you and Lori leave this blog thing alone already, can't the fact you didn't tell Alex right away tell  you it isn't maybe a great idea.  WHAT???   I never told Lori that I didn't tell Alex right away... Nope, only Alex knew that.  Jay and I have been close since we took naps together in kindergarten, so sometimes when he and I get into it... Well we really get into it.  Sigh.  I was like... GAME ON!

I won't go through the conversation, since he is so hyper sensitive to blogging I don't want to put his words out there more than I just did.  But the conversation didn't  go well and I ended up stomping the rest of the way home afterwards.  I basically said he shouldn't throw things that happen in my marriage into my face if he doesn't want the same back in return.  I also pointed out he should probably take the fact that she isn't letting this go like she normally does about most everything else since they started DD, as a sign of how much this means to her and a second or in his case third look at this might be warranted.  (I might have made a comment about making glue too.. but we don't need to go there)  He sees this as me pushing the idea and it not being her, which is just totally wrong. I am supporting her yes, but I am not making her bring this up to him over and over.  She is doing that on her own.  She feels like he isn't listening to her and he doesn't get why it is so important to her, so she keeps finding ways to bring it up and try getting through to him.

This morning as Alex headed out the door his cell went off and it was Jay... I don't have any idea if they talked about our encounter last night, but I am guessing they did.  He knew I wasn't in the best of moods last night but I didn't tell him anything. I haven't heard anything from Alex since, so I don't know what to expect tonight.  Lori called me this morning and said they had a long night but couldn't talk, she needed to get to class.  Today is going to be a REALLY long day and tonight....  Sigh.


  1. Oh dear. I hate to say it, buy it seems like you're overstepping. Supporting her by being there for her to talk to, listening to her, etc. is one thing. And I get that you're just trying to stand up for her. But, this isn't your fight. This is ultimately between the two of them.

    Maybe at some point he will have a change of heart, but I imagine the confrontation is making him just dig in deeper at this point. I think you need to let this go. And she may need to do the same, at least for now.

    So, if he says she can't blog at this point, perhaps she could go ahead and start writing and share it just with him. Maybe he'd be open to her starting a private blog, that only the two of them could read.

    I don't know, but it certainly seems like it's time for a different approach because it sounds like right now this is causing a lot of discord.

    1. Hi Grace,

      Oh I was big time overstepping! Sigh. :0( Because Jay, Lori and I grew up together and were all friends before we became family it is hard to see those lines...So crossing them, very easy to do. I am going to write a post on where this situation is at in a few minutes... Each of us played a part in this mess, but hopefully we can all grow from this and learn how to live down the road and not be up in each others business so much. :0)

      HA! Is that even possible with family? Wish us luck...

  2. Well that does sound complicated! Still, despite the drama, it sounds great that you have Lori so close by! I have no advice... sorry. I'm not really that skilled at giving it...


    1. Hi Sara,

      I LOVE having Lori and Jay right down the street and not hours away! Our kids are having a blast with there cousins too, so this is amazing. We just need to work on not ganging up on our HOHs and being so deep into each others business. But really is that even possible with family??? I guess time will tell. :0)

  3. I'm sorry. Family stuff can be so stressful. Sometimes time and space

    I'm so sorry. Family stuff is extra stressful. If someone close to me were left out of blogland when she wanted in, I would be sad. However, I remember how strange I thought it was at first too. I swore I'd never put my business out there like that. Jay may just need some time to get used to the idea. Good luck and I hope everything gets sorted out.

    1. Hi Leah,

      Thanks so much for coming by... Yes, this has been super stressful. :0( We are really hoping this is a lesson learned moment and we don't run into this stress very often. Family can be super tough, but add to that we all grew up together and this gets even more complicated.. Ugh.

  4. Well this certainly must be complicated for you. I know you and Alex have been together for so long, but your history runs deep with Jay. He isn't your 'average' brother in law. LOL.

    There are other avenues which Lori could explore. There are forums and private blogs. Perhaps Jay will let her join or have a blog with a few people you trust? I don't know. I find that people in general are cautious with things they don't quite understand. Has Jay ever read your blog ?

    I am not saying dig yourself deeper. These are just things that maybe you could bring up.
    Perhaps if YOU went to Jay and calmly explained that you are not against him, just trying to help him get all the facts so he understands Lori's want of this? You know go over and start with , " Look Jay I am sorry you feel ganged up on this blogger subject. That was never my intent. I was just lending an ear to Lori as a friend, but the other day when you attacked me...." (lol)

    Okay so not all advice can be good! LOL

    Good luck.

    1. Hi Wilma,

      Oh you are so right, when we go at it ... Jay and I are total siblings about things. He finally did sit down and read my blog with Lori and they had some good conversation. It ultimately came down to Alex and Jay talking then Alex and I talking and Jay and Lori talking and then we all got together and talked... LOTS OF TALKING! :0)

      Loved your advice!!! It made Alex laugh too, which was much needed right about now. So thank you!

  5. Hey Honey :)

    Wow what a sticky situation you've got yourself in to there :(

    Ok being a type of stalker that I am on your blog ;) I have to say I understand your stand off with Jay. Where as most people wouldn't really get in to an argument like this with their BIL, the realtionship you guys have is different, so the arguments and discussions would be more of a sibling art, rather than a In Law fight. But having said that, and please remember this is only my personal opinion, I think you have to draw the line between, friendship, sisteryly union, and getting involved in someone elses marrital dispute.

    As Jay and Lori live within a TTWD dynamic, he is within his right to refuse her the permission to start a blog, however much she might want it, ( yes I know, I throw fits when I'm refused something), and you can be there for her, as a friend and sister, support her, and encourage her to stay objective, and discuss things with her husband, in a calm and respectful manner. Remember, you're the friend, but she's the wife.

    He might not understand the whole Blog thing, it's new to him, you guys talking about it, may be the first time he's ever heard of this community. He needs to trust and understand, before he can make a decision. Him saying no doesn't mean it will stay no, he might change his mind, if he learns a bit about how all this works, and might get more comfortable with it. But he might still decide that he doesn't want his wife to do this, his decision has to be respected by you as the friend, and most deffinately by his wife.

    Maybe talk to Alex, explain what's happened, explain how much Lori wants this, maybe he can then explain things from man to man ??

    hugs honey, I hope things get worked out soon :) And please don't take anything I said to heart :)

    1. Hi Missy,

      You are totally right, Jay and I are way closer than just in-laws, so it makes things more difficult at times to keep the boundary lines clear. I totally over stepped in this one and he shouldn't have used his input from Alex to throw at me.. Our tempers got the better of us. Sigh. Plus the transformation of him now being an HOH, that is SOOOOOO hard for me to grasp. Ugh. They just started this dynamic and we haven't lived this close to them in forever so we need to learn how to be close again and respect the new roles.

      Thanks so much for coming by and giving me your advice.. It was hard to read right then but you were right! So thank you... :0)

  6. My goodness, this is a difficult one!
    I do sort of think you need to pull back a little and give them some space, but I do also understand the different dynamic you have with your bil. Some of the other suggestions about talking to Alex and explaining sound good as I now think you are stuck in the middle and it will be hard for you to move without getting into trouble.
    I am envious of the fact that you are able to talk to your sisters in law though and share honestly, I think I would love to be able to do that with someone else who understood....apart from here in blogland of course!

    1. Hi Janey,

      Yeah, this has been a tough week for us for sure. But we are on the other side of it now, thank goodness! I love that I have support in Lori and my other sister-in-laws, but due to us being family things tend to get messy sometimes... It is super nice to have this community to bounce things off of as well, as they are even more objective about advice and they won't feel like they have to take a side due to family loyalty or anything. I feel super lucky to have found this wonderful community!! :0)