HOH Ticks....

Things that tell me where my HOH is...

Eyebrows:

When I am crossing a line or getting close all I need to do is watch his eyebrows tell me when to back down.  A small arch and I know he is getting annoyed and I should either continue with caution or back away and regroup.  The full arch tells me he is in HOH mode now and things will be talked about which could mean a "discussion" which I would like to avoid.  If his eyebrows are long gone into his hair line...Well let me just head on up to the bedroom and find the paddle for you to save time.  

Stance:

The casual lean has caught me off guard once or twice, so if he is leaning in a doorway with his arms crossed or legs crossed at the ankle and he asks me a leading question.. Oh boy howdy my HOH radar goes off now.  If at anytime his legs widen and his hands end up on his hips or even goes close I am retracting, stepping back or putting my hands up to say.. Sorry, this was obviously a mistake. Unless I have let my temper get the better of me and I end up toe to toe with him and that never ends well...But yet I do it!  (I am shaking my head sighing as I type this, but it is so true.)

Vocal:

The tone of his voice can speak volumes, in that he doesn't get louder but lower when he is switching to HOH mode.  Seriously, the man doesn't raise his voice.  It goes lower and slows down to give me ample opportunity to catch each and every word he is saying.  If "Woman" is how he starts his sentence, I am in trouble... No ifs about it, I am in TROUBLE.  

I have more respect for fish that are caught and placed into a fish bowl for all to watch... My husband and I have been in a fish bowl for the last week as far as our teenagers are concerned.  We know it will pass and things will settle back down, but it has made me stop and watch Alex a bit more closely.   This year we will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary, have been a couple for 21 years and we basically grew up one block from each other.  So all in all we have been together a long time and so it is unexpected and throws me off when I find something new about him....

I noticed it for the first time on Saturday evening while we were getting ready for bed.  I was running back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom doing my nightly skin cleansing ritual and turning down the bed and getting the monster settled on his doggie bed.  (This dog will actually come if you call him monster or brat now!! Seriously sad, we should just pick one of those two and go with it..) Alex was trying to have a conversation about our next few weekends as we are going to be super busy and he wanted to get organized.  He doesn't like when I don't give him my full attention and he had been trying to corner me for days to get this conversation started so it was annoying him I was running around multi tasking.  I was turning back around from turning down our bed to head back to the bathroom when I saw his right hand rubbing his leg..  I stopped and asked him if he was alright... Which resulted in a puzzled look from him.

Alex: "I would be better if you would sit still and have a conversation with me and not run around seeing how many things at once you can get done."

Me: "You were just rubbing your leg, does it hurt?"

Alex: "No, my leg doesn't hurt.  But your back side will hurt if you don't settle down and give your husband your full attention."

Needless to say I settled down and gave him my undivided attention for the rest of the night.

Sunday we were at the store getting the grocery shopping done together, which is very unusual.  We don't shop well together at all!  I have a list.... I follow the list, get what is needed and get out.  Simple and fast! Alex likes to pick things up, read the labels and compare ingredients and prices and rethink the need of buying each particular item.  So I split the list in half and hand him one half and took the other myself and headed towards the shopping carts.  I got maybe two steps before he had me and my list in his hands and told me we would be shopping together.  Grrrrrrr.  We made it to the pasta aisle twenty minutes into our shopping expedition (I would have been done and in the check out line at this point) when he tossed the rigatoni noodles into the cart right on top of the bread.  Now I am a type A personality, every thing has a place and every place has its thing.  My shopping cart has zones and these zones keep the groceries in order and in good shape.  So tossing noodle boxes on my bread sent me over the top a little.  (Oh fine it sent me spiraling)  I stopped the cart in the middle of the aisle and started a commentary on zones and guarding bread from roguish men tossing boxes.  Mid sentence I looked up and he was looking at me with one eyebrow cocked and his right hand was rubbing his leg....  That hand rubbing his leg got me back to reality and made me really concerned.  

Me: "Your leg does hurt!  What did you do?"

Alex: "What?"

Me: "You are rubbing your leg again!  I checked last night and didn't see any bruises or anything when did this start?"

Alex: "There is nothing wrong with my leg and you are blocking the aisle."

With that he took the cart and got us moving back along the aisle and told me the roguish man would refrain from tossing more boxes if his spit fire wife would forget zones for the rest of the shopping trip.  What a compromise...  :0)

Sunday evenings we have our weekly reconnection time and while we were settling into bed to start our talk I was playfully tossing the decorative pillows at him to make more room.  He had already started his serious I am HOH and we are going to discuss a few things speech at this point so when his hand went to rubbing his right leg... I had a light bulb moment!  Oh my gosh, he has another HOH tick!!!  I stopped and my eyes got really big and that got his attention.

Alex: "Honey, what is it?"

Me: "It's not your leg that has the problem, it's your hand. I have noticed two days in a row you rubbing your leg and I thought you had hurt it.  But it's not your leg at all it's your right hand!"

Alex: "Yes, my hand and I have conversation about the need to spank you.  You should be happy that I override the tingle in my hand more often than I probably should."

Me: "Your hand tingles because it wants to spank me?"

Alex: "Every day honey... Every day."

He seemed to think that was funny.. I didn't find the humor in it and got a bit huffy with him.  I said something intelligent like... "If you are going to get any new HOH ticks you should let your wife know so she can write them down or watch for them."  That made his eyebrow arch into full on HOH mode and well.. It went down hill from there and I ended up getting a NOT fun spanking.

Last night Alex asked me what I meant by HOH ticks and I explained them to him.  He just shook his head and said it would take him years to right down all the signs that I was in need of his attention.  Grrrrr.  Whatever! 

A fun Meme Moment

I have seen these questions go around and thought it would be fun to answer them...  :0)

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
I am going to interpret this as my cell phone ringing.. My Mom, I need to ask her about a recipe she gave me.

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Always! 

In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Listener.. I am a people watcher for sure.

Do you take compliments well?
Not always... I actually turn red and it is embarrassing. 
 
Are you an active person?
When I can be... I work in a office 5 days a week, so on the weekend I avoid sitting still if at all possible.

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive?
No way.. I would so be in trouble.

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Every summer and winter I went to church camp from 7th grade until my Junior year in high school.

What was your favorite game/s as a kid?
Softball.. I played for several years and still have my trophies packed away in storage.

A sexy person is pursuing you, but you know that he/she is married, would you?
Nope!  But I would be flattered they even gave me a second look. :0)

Are you judgmental?
Hey.. Are you talking to me?!?  Just kidding.. I can be, but try not to be. (Try is the key word here!!!)

Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Be pursued. 

Use three words to describe yourself.
Fun, sassy and trouble.  (Yes, I admit it!  Alex would be bored otherwise.)

If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
Deaf

Are you continuing your education?
Not formally.. But I try to keep learning via training, computer software and reading.

Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Nope!  
 
How often do you read books?
Daily... I always have a few going at a time!
 
Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Depends on what time of day it is..  Really!  In the morning I think about my day and the week to come.. In the afternoon I am thinking about yesterday and the past morning hours.  At night I am always thinking about the past and worried about the future...  So really it is all in what time of day it is.  :0)
 
What is your favorite children's book?
Green Eggs and Ham.  

Where is your ideal house located?
Near the people I love.
 
Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties or grannies?
Well.. In the summer I sleep in boxer briefs, when Alex lets me wear anything to bed that is.. If an outfit shows pantie lines I pull out the thongs. Dresses/skirts usually panties.  Yoga pants, I go commando.  I am happy to report I don't own any grannies... Yet.  :0)
 
Last person you talked to?
Alex, he just called and asked about dinner plans.

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes 
 
What are your keys on your key chain for?
Home, laptop lock, Jay/Lori's house, parent's house and mail box. 

Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Into the office... 45 minutes from home.

Where is your current pain?
Right shoulder.. Too much stress. 

Do you like mustard?
Oh gosh YES!!!  Forget ketchup, mustard is the BOMB!

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Sleep.. Unless there is chocolate involved, then I change my answer.  :0)

Do you look like your mom or dad?
My dad.  But I have my mom's ice blue eyes... Irish eyes.

How long does it take you in the shower?
20-30 minutes.. I have long hair so it takes a while to wash and I always shave.
 
What movie do you want to see right now?
I honestly don't even know what is out right now.  The last time I saw a movie was months ago. 

What did you do for New Year's?
Fell asleep around 8:30pm snuggled in bed watching some TV shows we had recorded.  Our teenagers woke us (Alex is old too) to watch the ball drop and we went right back to sleep.  

What was the cause of your last accident?
A curb... Grrrrrr.  

Our Teenagers Know!

I want to start by saying that I wasn't sure that I would post this... I wanted to write it out and keep it so I had it and to make sure there wasn't any angles we might have missed and needed to cover with our kids.  I seem to see things more clearly now when I write them out and really read it back and have Alex read it all out too.  He and I agreed that not everyone will agree with telling their kids/young adults about DD and so it would open us up to criticism .. But then I told him I did that the day I started blogging and that I think it's a honest part of our journey that may help some one else or at least show how we work as a family.. When I first started this blog I did it with the feeling it was mine, but I was wrong.  This blog has become another tool we use in our marriage, it is another way for Alex to see into me and for me to show him and myself how I am feeling or seeing things.  

This is our blog and parts of our journey together that we have chosen to share.  


I have wondered when the time would come to talk with our kids about our DD dynamic, never if.. but when.  Alex started talking with Kyle last year about dating and the leadership role of a man in relationships and marriage.  We have a no dating rule until the age of 16 and we must meet the person they wish to date and approve of their date activities.  Our kids have been taught that dating should be for the purpose of finding a spouse, not for game or momentary fun/pleasure.  The no sex until married is also a very strong message we have given them over the years as well.  Of course they get these same values pressed into them in church twice a week as well.  They have a WONDERFUL youth group at our church and the kids love it.  Lori and Jay just started with their kids last Sunday and of all things for the youth group to study, it was the role of husbands and wives in a marriage.

They kept all the kids together for the message and then broke them up by gender and then school zones so the kids that attend school together would discuss the topics a bit more in detail.   As you can imagine all the kids were trying to compare what they see at home with their parents to what was taught as being the biblical view of a husband and wife and their roles.  The youth leaders were trying their best to not turn this into my parents do this or that conversations, but ask the kids how they felt about what the bible says and how they felt about the roles in marriage.  I guess a few girls thought VERY differently about leadership in marriage either being 50/50 or that in some cases women should just take charge because times have changed and women rule.  :0) (Alissa described it that way. She is Jay and Lori's oldest and in my opinion very mature and level headed for 17.) Kaylee and her cousins Alissa and Clare were all in the same group.  Kyle and his cousin Scott were also in the same group together, so they all had similar parent role models to pull from.  (Not that any of us parents knew any of this right away. I only found out all this background information on Monday when I was alone with Kaylee!)

After church we had a family BBQ at our house and while the adults were busy cooking and setting up the tables outside we got a visit from the "informer".  Lori and Jay's youngest daughter Sophie has been dubbed as the "informer", as she loves to come and let us know what the older kids are into or up to.  She gets a very official voice when she does this, as if she is doing her job and wants to make sure we all know how serious this job is...  This particular announcement was done in the same way.

Sophie: "You should know that Kyle told Meg and me we were not allowed in the game room, since we have young ears! They even shut the door in our faces and it was very rude and I told them so through the door too.  I was outside the door waiting for them to come out and I heard Scott say Daddy spanks Mommy.  Is that true?"

Lori broke two of my glasses (she was setting the table) and Alex dropped the dish of veggies onto the ground that were suppose to end up on the grill.  I went into the house and found Meg and told her to go outback with Sophie.  Then I went into the game room and let the teenagers know that the informer just asked us if Jay spanks Lori because Scott said so...  Then I pointed to the door and said move it people we have some damage control to do.  Jay asked Scott if there was something he wanted to tell Sophie and of course that had Scott on his knees in front of Sophie apologizing for playing a trick on her.  He said he knew she was listening at the door and so he was pulling a prank on her and it was mean and he was really sorry.  (Fast on his feet or I guess knees!)  She and Meg looked at each other and decided he was telling the truth and worthy of forgiving so he had his arms full of little girls and we went on with the BBQ.  The four of us parents decided to handle this with our own kids first and if we needed to bring them together as a group we would do that after.  I always wished we had a larger family like Jay and Lori, but right about now I was thankful we only had two to worry about.

Sunday night after Jay's family left we got the kids to help us clean up and then we sat down as a family.  Alex asked Kyle to please explain what conversation took place up in the game room and why little Sophie would be asking if Jay spanked Lori.  Kyle explained about the message in church was on roles in marriage and what the bible said they should be and how the kids got to talk about it after and how a bunch of the kids didn't agree.

Kyle: "Dad you would be shocked how many guys think it's cool for the girls to take charge. Like none of them want to take the leadership and they don't even see why they should.  It's like they think time has changed how things are and the bible is outdated or whatever.  But like most of them come from divorced parents so you would think they would get a clue."

Kaylee: "Girls are stronger now then before, so things have changed and that is why they didn't think the bible is right anymore."

Alex: "Kaylee women were strong back then too, but they were not given the freedom to show their strength as women are now. In fact I would challenge your theory and say women back then needed to be even stronger to submit to their husbands and let society tell them they didn't have any rights and still be everything they needed to be for their families."

Kyle: "Yeah but did the guys go in reverse then?  Why don't they want to be a man and lead their families and take care of them?"

Alex: "Sadly, it seems that each generation loses a bit of the moral values that the previous generation had instilled in them.  What hasn't been passed from generation to generation is finally catching up to the world... Divorce rates have slowed down, but only because the amount of people getting married has lowered.  Now we have new marriages that have same sex couples and that is totally outside of what is in the bible, so that throw the roles off too.  But I tell you that God had a plan and that plan is clearly written in the bible and that is the plan we want you two to follow.  Your Mother and I follow God's plan and we have a very strong and loving marriage and you two haven't turned out so bad either. "

Kyle: "Scott, Alissa and Clare think their parents use spanking in their marriage."

Alex:"Then that should be a subject that they discuss with their parents and not with you all.  That is private, between Jay and Lori and if they choose to discuss it with their children that is up to them."

Kaylee: "Um... We think you and Mom have a spanking thing going on too."

Alex:"Spanking thing?  Care to expand on that a bit?"

Kyle: "I so DON'T want to know that my parents went 50 Shades Grey."

Me: "You did not just say that!!! How do you know about 50 Shades Of Grey?"

Kaylee: "Mom that book was totally passed around at school, like EVERYONE has read it."

Alex: "I would have thought you would have known that book was not something your parents would have allowed you to purchase, so we wouldn't approve of you reading it either.  I do remember you asking me if you could buy it and my answer was not just no, we had a full conversation on why I felt the book was inappropriate for you to read. Do you remember that particular conversation young lady?"

Kaylee: "Um.. Sort of.  But Dad I read most of it before I even asked you if I could buy the book.  I mean it was literally going around at school but I didn't get to finish and some one else grabbed it from me and I wanted to see how it ends."

Alex:"Well in your case it ends with you being on restriction for two weeks and a very well thought out written apology to me stating the reasons this book is inappropriate for you."

Kyle: "I just want to state for the record that I didn't read the book and I have no desire to read the book either.  I have heard things... Guys talk, I mean if girls are gonna want us to get all physical and bossy with them we need to know this junk."

Alex: "Let's get back to the subject at hand, but first let me tell you both that the book is about a couple that are not married and having a sexual relationship so none of your "need to know junk" is going to be found there. So let's get back to your statement Kaylee.  Your mother and I have the relationship we let the public see, the relationship that we let you two see and our own private relationship that is for just the two of us.  Do we have a spanking thing? We might but that isn't something that is any of your business."

Kaylee: "Yeah but like if you want us to know how your marriage works and pass it down like you said generation to generation wouldn't you sorta like have to tell us? I mean Mom already told me she submits to you and you hold her accountable when she disobeys you."

(How do teens take your words and spin them around on you so well?  Kaylee had come to me and told me about watching her friend's mother basically run over her husband and how her friend didn't seem to think anything was unnatural about it.  She had asked me why we let Alex be the leader in our house and I had responded that we are a traditional family that way.  That was passed down from generation to generation and our families more than likely took it from the bible.  She had asked me if I submit to Alex and I of course said yes.  Then she hit me with the what does he do if you disobey him if he holds you responsible... I told her that was between her Father and I.  Then I went running to Alex telling him Kaylee was on to us!!! Thank goodness I told him, or this would have been a harder conversation.  Wow, I now remember even leaving a comment on other blog about this very conversation. Hot topic all of the sudden.)  :0)

Alex: "I do hold your Mother accountable when she doesn't follow my lead and your Mother calls me out when I miss as a leader.  So I would say we both hold each other accountable for ensuring we are doing the best we can in our roles. Your Mother and I are both still young and healthy so our physical relationship is still very healthy too.  Do we choose to include things in our physical relationship that might be considered out of the norm, yes we do.  We are two married consenting adults that would never hurt one another and are very safe, so anything we do together in the marriage bed is appropriate and not shameful.  The topic of what your Mother and I do or don't do is not something you should be discussing with your cousins or anyone outside of this house.  It is frankly no ones business and you should consider yourselves lucky that I even have shared this much of our private relationship with you. Understood?"

We had a chorus of "understoods" and we called it done.  Saturday Kalyee and I had a girls day together since it was a holiday and during lunch Kaylee said this:

"Mom, I just want you to know that I want the same kind of marriage you and Dad have. I don't want to fight or get divorced and I really want to have fun with my husband. You and Dad have fun, even sometimes when I am watching you two it's like you guys don't even know I am there... Like you are in a world together all alone even.  It was way creepy when I was little but now it just is too cute and I want that.. Like really, really want that.  Even if I have to get spanked, I want that soooo bad."

Why do they always wait for food to be involved to tell you something like this?  When I was done choking and could produce what passed as normal speech...

"Kaylee honey I am so happy you know what you want and don't want when you get married. Most people don't even have that much figured out when they are walking down the aisle, so this is a great starting point for you.  Being only 15 you have plenty of time to keep working on what you want in your marriage and that will help you when you start looking for the man you want to marry.  You should even think about journalling your thoughts on what you want in a marriage and what you want in your husband and see how it changes over the next several years."

Kaylee: "Like your memory book you started your senior year with Dad?"

Me: "Well sort of.. I would suggest you keep your scrap book for general topics and a journal that is private just for you. That way if you want to share your scrap book with some one you can and keep your journal for yourself."

Kaylee: "Dad spanked you when you were dating too huh?  I know you guys don't like us talking about this with anyone, but Alissa and Clare are pretty sure aunt Lori gets spanked when she is in trouble.  Some of your pages have pictures of Dad and I see the look on his face, he has that same face now when you get into trouble. Like I promise to not talk about this anymore with anyone, but can you just tell me if I am right or not pleaaaaaassssssseeeee?"

Me: "Yes, your Father spanked me when we were dating and he continues to this day. If I mess up enough that is his solution for clearing the air and getting us back on track.  It is not all about spanking we have other types of ways we use to clear the air and start fresh.  This is something we have both agreed upon in our relationship and it is NOT the norm or anything that is discussed in public. I would appreciate you not discussing this with your cousins and if you have any questions you come straight to me and I will do my best to answer them. Agreed?"

Kaylee: "Agreed! Thanks Mom, I totally love that we can talk.. Like really talk talk ya know?"

Me: "Yes, I know.  I love that we can talk talk too..  I can't believe how old you have gotten on me, you are turning into a very beautiful and intelligent young woman.  I am very proud of you Kaylee.

Alex and I regrouped last night and it sounds like he and Kyle had a very similar talk on Monday as well.  So it would seem that we are OUT at home.  We are not going to change how we go about things, they will still be very private and out of ear range, but if they have questions we will have LOTS more talking to do now.  But that was going to happen in the next few years anyway so we just got our start. We aren't clueless to the fact these cousins are going to talk, they are going to talk this subject and tons of other subjects to death before they are done.  But hopefully they will be more careful with their conversations and they will support each other while growing into young adults.
All in all I think we are lucky our kids are so mature and have the support of their cousins,  it had to make it easier on them when they heard other parents have the same dynamic.  I had worked up several scenarios in my head on how we would tell these kids or when or if they caught us how would we react... None of them went as well as this weekend went and I give most the credit to Alex, he really did a wonderful job handling the conversation with the kids.  I sat back and had a silent fit in my head and waited it all out.  If I ever get my hands on the kid that brought 50 Shades of Grey to school.... Grrrrrrr.

Conclusion: FAMILY - Nuff Said!!

So when I left you last it was Tuesday around noon time here and I didn't know what to expect when Alex got home....

I got a text message from Alex around 2:30pm asking me to please be home by 5:30pm and to call if that was not possible.  So I texted him back that I would be home by 5:30pm and did I need to pick anything up on the way.  He said no, just be home and he would make sure dinner was taken care of since we had a lot to discuss.  To which I replied... Um, discuss?  (That is code for spank with us) He texted back sorry, he really meant talk and was hoping we wouldn't need a discussion but we would have to see.  Sigh.  But that put my mind at ease a bit and definitely improved my attitude, because honestly when I saw his text with discuss in there I got really mad.  I was still in the state of mind that Jay was not listening to Lori and he totally picked a fight with me about it and I was ready for round two.  (Yes I know... But that is where I was.)

So I came home to find the kids gone and one of Alex's best veggie grill dinners waiting for me.  He even set the table all nice and had fresh flowers on the table, the sight drew a very girlie sigh from me.  He came in from the porch with a huge smile on his face and a glass of wine for us both in each hand.  How in the world is a woman to keep her mad on when she comes home to this???  So of course I took my glass of wine and gave him my best "hello handsome man who rocks my world" kiss.  :0)

We sat down and had a wonderful dinner together, we talked about the kids and a movie we wanted to see.  Alex even said we are going to start back up our date nights that got lost in the shuffle of moving and holidays.  It was just wonderful and we stretched it out over an hour before we cleared away the mess and got the kitchen sorted out.  (Why do men use so many dishes to cook? Especially when most of the cooking is done via the grill out back? Mystery question..)  Anyway, we had a great dinner and cleaned everything up in harmony. Once all that was done Alex took my hand and pulled me into the living room, where he flopped back on the sofa and took me with him.  He loves having me on his lap,  and I love being there... Sitting, not over it belly down that is.  :0)

He told me he was going to talk and he wanted me to listen with an open mind and heart and to let him get all the way through and then I would have a turn.  I snuggled in and shook my head in agreement and got my head just under his chin were I feel the most safe and comfy.

Alex told me he had lunch with Jay and they talked about our little encounter the night before in front  of Jay's house.  He said that Jay feels really bad about how that went and he wants to talk to me about  it.  (I got a small smile on my face at that... He started it!)  Alex continued by reminding me that he and Jay support each other much the same way Lori and I support each other.  I tell Lori things that bother me about a situation or how Alex has acted to get her advice and support.  Well Alex had talked with Jay during the time I had started blogging, as he too had his doubts.  He also told Jay about some of the comments I was getting, as I had one particular person that was scary mean actually.  I eventually got rid of them, but it was upsetting at the time and he bounced what was happening off Jay.  At this point my mind was racing and so was my heart...

Jay was not sure of the blogging because of information Alex had shared that Lori and I had no idea he knew about.  UGH!  I just thought he wasn't listening to Lori... Then I was screaming in my head... WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TELL LORI THAT ALEX HAD SHARED THIS INFORMATION AND HE WAS UNSETTLED ABOUT HER TYRING THE BLOGGING THING.  HELLO!!!!

---SWAT----

Alex:  "Stop!  I can feel you working yourself up and that is not happening.  You are going to keep an open mind and listen until the end without working yourself into a temper.  Understood?"

Me:  "Well technically the first time around you said listen with a open mind and heart, but nothing was said about working up a temper."

Alex: "We can continue this in another position if that would help you."

Me: "Um,  open mind and heart... No temper.  Got it, we are good! Promise."

Alex went on to say that Lori doesn't go and tell Jay everything you tell her and you don't come and tell me everything Lori tells you.  So don't expect Jay and I to run to you two women and layout all of our conversations either.  (Big sigh in my head...Grrrrrr)  Jay is Lori's husband and he runs their family and has the final say in decisions concerning them.  I know you love both Jay and Lori and you want to help them both, but in this case and probably many more to come the only way you can help them is to step back and let them figure this out between themselves.  I am not saying you can't listen to Lori or Jay for that matter and be a shoulder to cry on... But I don't want you actively coming up with ideas or scheming with one or the other to get there way.  Be helpful and not harmful.  (That is one of his favorite catch phrases that I absolutely HATE.  Dang it!)

You respect our marriage and its structure, you need to respect their marriage and its structure.  I know that isn't easy because of the relationships you have with both Jay and Lori and time has changed everyones roles.  But we need to start being very clear on where the lines or boundaries are for getting involved in their struggles.  You know I would not allow them into our marriage disagreements, so why would Jay want us in theirs?  Hmmmmm...

Me: "Um, my turn?"

Alex: "Yes, your turn."  (Chuckle)

Me: " I get what you are saying and I really hate that it makes total sense.  But I just want to say that it's easier for Jay and Lori to stay out of our business because you are the older brother and your siblings come to you for advice but you don't go looking for their advice over much."

Alex: "You might actually be surprised at how often I turn to Jay for advice where you are concerned. You too share the same brain waves or something and I never got invited to that particular club."

Me: "I really miss him Alex.... We haven't been the same for a long time and it feels really bad."

Alex: "He feels the same way, the two of you got off track a while back and haven't found a way to get back on again.  That is why we have been invited over to their house tomorrow night for dinner. We are going to clear the air and start over and you and Jay are going to talk.  Also... Don't freak out because I have already talked to the kids and they are in charge of the house and cleaning of any mess made prior to the cleaning lady coming on Friday morning."

Me: "What mess exactly is that?"

Alex: "All of the kids are coming here while we eat down the street... I am paying for pizza and they are going to watch videos."

Me: "Ok, I leave it your capable hands then."

Alex: "One more thing.. I want you to hold off speaking with Lori until tomorrow night, give them time to talk this out.  We aren't going there to help them figure it out, we are going to clear the air and start new.  Understand?:

Me: "So if Lori calls me I have to not answer?"

Alex: "She won't call you and if she does, then yes for the time being I am asking you not to answer.  Jay and Lori need time to settle this without anymore outside interruptions."

Me: "Well this stinks, but if that is what you want then okay." (Sigh)

We did go over for dinner on Wednesday night and we all had a wonderful time!  Jay did give us a run down of the outcome of Lori blogging or not blogging in this case.  He didn't have to but I thought it was super nice that he felt compelled to outline his thought process and ultimate decision to us... Technically it was none of our business and after my nose being all up in his business I thought it was really big of him to include me.  Jay and Lori sat down together on Monday night and read through my entire blog and had a some really good conversations.  Tuesday night Jay sat down with Lori and discussed why he felt blogging wasn't something he was comfortable with her pursuing at this time.  He said she is fine to read other's blogs and if she felt like she found some they should read together he would sit down with her and read them.  He is not saying she will never blog, but he wants more time getting to know the community and what blogging is all about.

Jay and I had some time out back alone and we went down memory lane a bit... He couldn't believe I had written about how Alex and I had gotten together and about the night we did the fire drill in his truck.  We both agreed that in the last couple of year and definitely since he and Lori started DD he and I had not been on track.  He felt like I had traded him in for Lori as over the years I have gotten closer to her.  I guess maybe since she and I had more to bond over, sharing this dynamic and being mothers it maybe had me push back from him.. He is now an HOH and those are scary creatures!  He laughed at that and said he really had missed these kinds of conversations with me.  I couldn't agree more, we had a GREAT time going down memory lane and he apologized for throwing information Alex had given him in confidence in my face.  I apologized for double teaming him and not giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he was taking care of Lori.  He also said that our argument on Monday night was the first real conversation we had had in a really long time and that made it even worse after he had calmed down.  To which I totally agreed and thought maybe that is why I didn't tell Alex about it right after it happen.  I needed to process everything I was feeling and really that process didn't come full circle until I was in his lap and talking openly about Jay.

So all is well this Friday morning!  My house is now clean (the kids need to work on the definition of what a mess is!!!) and everyone is on the same page and happy for the moment!

Whew.. I am hoping for a super peaceful and stress free weekend!!!

P.S.  - Thank you to everyone that came by and left me advice or just support, it meant the world to me.  :0)

FAMILY... Nuff said!

I am in the need to vent!!!  So you have been warned...

I have been blogging since September of last year and brought my husband along shortly after I began.  Yes, you caught it...  Shortly AFTER I began.  In the spring of last year I found this wonderful blog land and was literally sucked in.  I would spend hours reading as many blogs as I could and every new blog I stumbled upon was a true gift.  During this time I started having some major back issues and this impacted my ability to be as active as I usually am. I have had medical issues in the past due to internalizing stress and so kick boxing and running were my major outlets that allowed me to physically work out my stress and leave me a much happier person.  No longer able to do this I was advised by my doctor to find other not so physical outlets... He mentioned journaling and my eyes crossed.   But one night while losing myself in blog land I had a light bulb moment and thought.. I could try blogging as a journal outlet.  Two weeks later I was creating a blogger account and staring at a blank screen waiting for me to write something.

Right around that time while reading other blogs, the subject of hiding blogs from husbands was a major theme on several blogs.  Well I wasn't hiding mine, it was more a journal and who would actually read my journal, I am boring.  BLAH!  So on I went reading blogs and starting my journey with my own little blog.  It took me a few weeks before it actually occurred to me that now I was getting close to hiding my blog from Alex.  I think it was the guilt more than anything that had me opening up about blog land and this community on a weekend get away we had together.  We were having some bumps in our relationship at that time and looking back now I can see that not sharing this new adventure with him right away did have a part in creating some bumps.  He saw me pulling away and he initially thought it was due to the back issues and my being upset about having to adjust, but in time he knew it was more.  So he took us away for a long weekend and with a bit of pressure... Oh fine, he pulled out just about every HOH trick in the book and I spilled my guts.  Sigh.


Alex started reading blogs like crazy (I was shocked!) and now he has new HOH tricks every time I turn around.  Grrrrrrr.. I was happy he was as interested in this blogging community as I was and he loved my blogging.  At first I was super nervous about writing my thoughts, but then I got on a roll and it was super fun.  I got to write our story and share it with others and ultimately got to relive it all at the same time with Alex.  Really fun.

I decided to be brave and send a blog link to one of my sister in laws, not telling her what it was but that it might be interesting to her.  After she got over the shock of their being others that have the same dynamic that tends to run in our husbands family (plus wow it has a name!) she couldn't believe I was actually blogging our story.  She started moving around blog land and the community taking it all in and she too was super excited every time she found another blog.  She lived a few hours from me at that time and we would start our Saturdays on the phone together drinking coffee and chatting about our weeks, but now we were drinking coffee and discussing blogs and the current themes in the community.  After a few weeks I asked her if she thought blogging would be something she would like to do.... She was not sure and hmmmm and hahhhhed at me a bit.  So I stepped back and gave her more time.

Well she lives a few doors down from me now so we talk just a TON more than we got to in the past few years.  It has been GREAT!!!  But we are just now finding out what living so close to each might mean when we speak so much and not paying attention to the ears that are around when we are chatting away.  Sigh.  She ultimately wants to start her own blog, but her husband is dead set against it.  So I have been helping her come up with ideas for changing his mind, only we have not been very successful and maybe pushed a bit too hard.... Jay went to Alex and told him he felt double teamed.  Grrrrrr.  I never physically went and talked to Jay about this topic at all!  Did I listen and support my sister in law in her want to blog, absolutely.  I would do this for any friend not just a family member, this is what friendship is all about.  Right!?!  

I have now been told that I am not to scheme (his words, I don't agree) with Lori any further on this topic.  Further Alex said, Jay has his reasons and as HOH of their marriage he has put his foot down and that is that.  Well that is fine and dandy but Lori is not happy and she is still not settled and she needs support.  I can't ditch her and her emotions on a subject that is so clearly important to her.  Lori is not a pusher by nature, she is very relaxed actually.  She chills me out and I get her riled up, so we complement each other that way.  So I can tell how important this is to her if she is pushing this and not letting it go.... Plus I feel bad since I brought this to her and have talked about how much I am enjoying blogging and love the community and the ladies I have gotten to know.  You know how you can carry on and on about new and exciting things in your life... Well this was my new and exciting thing to blab about for the last several months.  Plus she and I have only told one other sister in law, about this community so it was fun we had an inside new thing to chat about.

Of course all of this would come to a head right after I have gotten into so much trouble lately... So not great timing.  I can stay out of trouble!!! Honestly I can...  But lately it just seems next to impossible.  Sigh...  

This brings us to last night... Jay was out front and I was taking a walk and so I stopped to say hi and chat for a few minutes.  He started it... I wasn't going to bring it up!  (See, being good!)  But he went from nice weather we are having to why can't you and Lori leave this blog thing alone already, can't the fact you didn't tell Alex right away tell  you it isn't maybe a great idea.  WHAT???   I never told Lori that I didn't tell Alex right away... Nope, only Alex knew that.  Jay and I have been close since we took naps together in kindergarten, so sometimes when he and I get into it... Well we really get into it.  Sigh.  I was like... GAME ON!

 
I won't go through the conversation, since he is so hyper sensitive to blogging I don't want to put his words out there more than I just did.  But the conversation didn't  go well and I ended up stomping the rest of the way home afterwards.  I basically said he shouldn't throw things that happen in my marriage into my face if he doesn't want the same back in return.  I also pointed out he should probably take the fact that she isn't letting this go like she normally does about most everything else since they started DD, as a sign of how much this means to her and a second or in his case third look at this might be warranted.  (I might have made a comment about making glue too.. but we don't need to go there)  He sees this as me pushing the idea and it not being her, which is just totally wrong. I am supporting her yes, but I am not making her bring this up to him over and over.  She is doing that on her own.  She feels like he isn't listening to her and he doesn't get why it is so important to her, so she keeps finding ways to bring it up and try getting through to him.

This morning as Alex headed out the door his cell went off and it was Jay... I don't have any idea if they talked about our encounter last night, but I am guessing they did.  He knew I wasn't in the best of moods last night but I didn't tell him anything. I haven't heard anything from Alex since, so I don't know what to expect tonight.  Lori called me this morning and said they had a long night but couldn't talk, she needed to get to class.  Today is going to be a REALLY long day and tonight....  Sigh.

Water leaks, busted tires and wooden paddles...Oh my!

I am running late... I mean really late and I have too much left to get done before I run out the door that I have to start mentally reducing my list so I am not even later...  It was during my mental reality check that the sound was noticed..

splat, splat, splat...

Hmmmm.. Now I am thinking this can't be good as I put my curling iron down and start to investigate my splat noise.  Under the sink I find one of my organizers has a top full of water that is now over flowing into my cabinet... Splat, Splat and yup another splat.  Ugh.

Alright, no time to deal with this now so I can just turn the water off.  Only I don't see how the heck to turn it off at the sink itself so now I am thinking it will have to be at the house connection for now.  Maybe I should call Alex and see what he thinks... Nope, too late and he is busy no doubt trying to get away from work to meet me at the party.  So off to the side of the house and there...Water is off.  But wait.. you need to brush your teeth silly lady... Ooops.  Ok, water back on and into the house I go.  I can just put a plastic bowl under the sink and catch the water... If it fills fast I will turn the water off on my way out or if it is slow I can leave it for Alex.  Ok, I like the new plan and I have just lost another 15 minutes.. Dang!

Now I am running around like the crazy lady that I am... Into the kitchen to get the bowl and up the stairs I go mad dash into and through the bedroom and into the bathroom.  Bowl in place and ick I just spilled the water from the organizer into the cabinet...Sigh.  Now I need a towel and I quickly mop up the mess.  This is the point I start to mumble to myself, I started with water being a pain in the you know what and worked myself into a "THIS IS A NEW HOUSE THIS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN TO ME" rant.  This lasted through the rest of my curling and into the start of my make up getting put on... But I had to tame it down a bit when it came to eye make up, because that is something you don't want to mess up right!  :0)   So I calm it down a bit and finish up with my make up and start the struggle to get my boots on and get myself out the door.  The puppy decides then is a good time to play, because Mom is doing the on foot hop thing she does in her closet... So now it takes me twice as long to get my boots on and limit the amount of puppy drool on my boots.  I just walk out of the closet when my phone goes off and I make the mad dash to answer it, as it is Alex's ring tone..

"Hello and yes I am late, but will be leaving in just a minute and will be there soon!"

"Well hello to you too!  Why are you out of breath? Is everything ok?"

"I ran for the phone and I am late and yes everything is fine other than I am late!"

"Babe, you need to calm down.  You are late, but it's fine and you will get here when you get here so just sit down and breath for a few minutes. In fact sit down have a glass of wine and I will come get you so we are in one car coming home tonight."

"What? No, that is silly!  You are already there and I am leaving now so just save me a glass of wine there and I will see you in a few."

<Click>  Yes, I hung up!   (I really should schedule an MRI on my head, because it NEVER ends well when I hang up like that... Yet I keep doing it!!)

I toss my phone in my purse and start the mad dash down the stairs, through the house and out of front door...

Oh dang...The water!  I forgot to check... Oh well I am outside already so I will just turn the water off at the house again and call it good.  So over to the side of the house I go and turn off the water and then run back to my car and off I go...  I get half way there only to have Alex coming in the other direction and motioning for me to turn around and follow him back.  Grrrrrrrr.. What is that man doing????  So now I am looking for a place to turn around and I am getting really upset that I am now going to be even more late!  I hit the curb with my right front tire while doing my flip around and I wasn't exactly going very slow...  So I am back to my rant mode and have worked myself up pretty good by the time I pull back into the drive way.  But the man standing in the drive way with his hands on his hips and his best "You are soooo in trouble woman" look was enough to keep my little rant to myself.

So I pull in and get out with my best innocent look...

"Hey babe, what are we doing?"

"We are going inside to finish this chat and then we will go to the party together."

GULP...

With that he takes me by the arm and ...

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

We turn together and watch my front tire lose all its air.  I swear my heart stopped!

Alex went over to inspect the tire and saw the marks from me hitting the curb a few minutes before.  He stood up grabbed my arm again and marched us into the house.  I was finally finding my voice so started to babble about curbs coming out of nowhere when he held up his hand, covered in black from looking at the tire and said he wasn't ready to talk yet.  This is NEVER a good sign!  So I watched as he walked over to the kitchen sink and went to flip the water on....only no water came out.  Oh dang and double dang.

"Um, honey..."

Alex is now under the sink looking at the pipes and scratching his head.

"Um, I sort of had an issue upstairs so I turned the water off."

That got his attention... I spent the next several minutes explaining about the leak in the bathroom upstairs and why I shut the water off (twice) and that I meant to simply leave the bowl under the sink and not turn off the water but I was late and had to turn it off and go...

"Was this before or after I told you to sit down and wait for me to come get you only to have you tell me no and hang up on me?"

I am sooooo DEAD!!!

"Well that discovery of the leak and the first turning off the water was before, but the last turning off was after.  I didn't mean to say no and hang up, I was late and I just didn't think you should come all the way here only to turn around and go back."

"Was that your decision or mine to make?"

"Um....."

"Go to our room and wait for me"

My legs weren't very steady under me going up the stairs and my boots felt like they were full of lead. I was suppose to be at a Christmas party with friends and having fun, not going upstairs to wait for Alex to come up and no doubt grab the wooden paddle.... So NOT the night I had planned!  I didn't know what to do, so I went and sat on the end of the bed and waited for Alex.  By the time he came upstair I had tears rolling down my face and I felt horrible.  I didn't just kill my night, but his night too.  Why did I have to freak out over being late and let crazy lady take over?  Ugh.  On top of that poor Alex had to sit and hold me so I could calm down and stop crying so we could even start talking about what had happen.  Sigh.

We did get to the discussion part and he absolutely pulled the wooden paddle out.  OUCH!  It really hurt and I promised he wouldn't need to pull it out again any time soon.... Only two weeks later I would get a speeding ticket and end up over his knee with that dreaded paddle yet again... Ugh and double ugh.. But I didn't know that at the time, so was very sure I was going on the straight and narrow to avoid another paddle encounter!  Well you know what they say about good intentions... Grrrrrr.

So now you know why the wooden paddle made two appearances in a matter of weeks... Actually it is still sitting out in our closet so I see the darn thing every time I go in there... Ugh.  But after this last weekend I am FOR SURE on the straight and narrow!!!  (Wink, until next time!)

Happy New Year!!

Wow, what a crazy couple of weeks... December was the month of moving!  We finished our move (FINALLY!) and got Jay and Lori moved and settled.  Everyone is in agreement that none of us want to move again anytime soon!  Just way too much work and frustrations, especially when you do it during the holidays.

I saw this and had to laugh, we pulled our puppy out of boxes just like this for weeks!

Our little monster puppy had tons of fun during the move, we are still finding packing peanuts and bubble wrap all over.  Now if we can just get him to use the new doggy door, we would be on a roll!

I would love to write that we had a easy set of holidays and I didn't get into any trouble..... Sigh.  I am willing to own up to one "discussion", I totally messed up (that is just another post all together)..  But I am still not settled about the other! Our wooden paddle hardly ever makes an appearance, yet it has come out twice in the last three weeks and is still sitting out as a reminder to settle down.  Grrrrrrr

Yes, I am in full on pout!

I have been given a deadline for ending my pouty mood and it is fast approaching.  My backside is really hoping I pull myself together, as I still feel the last round of the paddle.  Sad thing is... I absolutely know that it's on me what happens next, but I still just can't bring myself to drop the pout and move on.  Regardless of if I decide to put on my big girl panties and suck it up, he will take care of the situation.  So I think maybe that is why I am just stuck in this mode, that and the dust has settled on our busy holiday season and I think maybe that is making me a bit sad too.  It just might be a mixture of feelings, since we women don't tend to be simple in our emotions... EVER!  I have walked into our closet twice this morning hovering around our magnet that lets me signal I need his help... But have walked away without turning it.  Ugh.  That I went in there and am still thinking about it, probably means I need to just flip the dang thing and let him help this along.  Technically he has given me until tonight anyway, so if I flip it now it will just make things easier on both of us.  No more dancing around the issue, just a closer of emotions and moving on fresh.. Clean slate and clear minded.  

So after all this rambling you are probably wondering what we are not seeing eye to eye on...  First, I totally understand as HOH it is his call on what I get punished for and how.  But understanding and getting your emotions to always align with this agreement, is not always easy.  I am a pretty strong personality so I get into really hard headed moments very easily.  You would think knowing this... Better yet admitting this would be half the battle right???  I guess this might be a growth area to work on in 2014.

So I got pulled over for speeding in late October and was given a warning instead of a ticket.  No problem, I came clean told Alex right away and we discussed slowing down and paying attention to driving and not messing with the radio which is what I had been doing and didn't notice I was going a bit too fast.  Then they started road work right down the block from where I had been pulled over in October in the middle of November and they changed the speed limit and I didn't pay close enough attention and got pulled over yet again... I drove away with another warning and had every intention of telling Alex but then the move started and then Thanksgiving... So by the time I got pulled over a third time on that same dang road (I swear I am not driving that road again if at all possible!!) and having the officer actually right that I had been given warnings on two occasions in the last two months... Who does that?  I mean is is necessary to make a speeding ticket even worse by listing the amount of warnings too???  Plus it isn't even a speeding ticket, it states that I was wasting finite resources... What?  Ugh. 

  I would NEVER do this, but thought it was funny! 

We have been moving since mid November and making the trip back and forth from each house had me on this same road daily.. Most often a few times a day.  I am chalking it up to just really bad luck and a very busy time for me, so my mind was a bit scattered.  Was I speeding terribly.. Nope, only over by 7mph.  Was I a danger to others, I wouldn't say yes to that either.  Alex on the other hand had a very hard time understanding why I was not able to pay attention to the speed signs and why I failed to mention my second warning.  He made it very clear that had I mentioned the second one I would have gotten a sore bottom and maybe wouldn't have gotten the actual third pull over and ticket as my mind would been more focused.  

And that is where the rub is...  I didn't intentionally not tell him!  This getting pulled over on the same dang street three time in three months is just really BAD luck.  I mean in the past I have only been pulled over two other times and that was in my twenties!!!  This is the first time I was actually given a ticket too, the others were just warnings.  I thought he totally over reacted to this and that the wooden paddle was over kill.  I mean, he usually only resorts to the paddle for "major" discussions and I didn't rate this as being in that league.  He decided it was major due to safety reasons and not telling him about the second warning and wanted to ensure we didn't have a fourth incident.  I offered the theory of my not using that road anytime in the near future as a way of not having a fourth incident but he didn't seem to think that was a good solution.  Sigh.  

So I have had my pout on since last Friday night... Ick.. I am just ready to feel better and not have this distance between the two of us.  Grrrrr...  Ok, so I am going to go flip the darn magnet and wait for him to get home and end this.  Ugh.  

Then I am going to start blog hopping and get caught up!!!  

Happy 2014!!!!